She came to town again and I was able to visit with her a couple of times. As usual, every minute was wonderful. Sometimes wonderfully great, sometimes wonderfully not so much. It's really not so confusing. I feel like I can't get enough of her, and seeing her always reminds me of how little I get to see her. Even when I'm thinking about the negative, though, every minute spent with her is a minute I would never take back.
Today we talked on the phone. She was tired and I was overjoyed. I already love getting to talk to her, but when she's tired she is extra cute. The cute girl has a different tone, still excitable but in a mellow way, a tired way. I told her that a commercial in which the Muppets sing Under Pressure by David Bowie makes me think of her. It's a cute enough commercial and the Muppets always make me think of her. She told me to watch the new movie. I think, for her, I have to soon.
It's January in a cold state and for some reason the weather has been incredibly warm. I have never in my life seen weather like this here. Turns out the temps are breaking records, maybe that's why it's new for me. The weather was so nice that I invited a few people over for drinks and food. We sat around the end of my driveway by the garage. We needed to be there for the light; despite the gorgeous weather the sun still sets early, you know? We grilled chicken and burgers and lit a bonfire. Everybody had a really good time and when all was done and everybody left I sat out and watched the fire cool down. As the fire was basically down to coals I was huddled into a blanket enjoying the warmth of the last red embers, a stark contrast to the quickly cooling air, and decided to make a phone call. I called her, and she answered.
I couldn't have been happier.
I'm tired right now. I think that's why I'm struggling to come up with the words and paragraphs to describe how I feel about this girl. I told her today via text message that I was going to steal her away and enjoy the rest of my life with her. I told her we would move, we would get married, have children, and be happy together. She seemed to think that was a good idea.
I also told her while she was in town that I still love her. She told me that she loves me, too.
I don't understand why we're not together.
I do understand, I don't like the reasons, even if they make sense. I'm still trying to make sense of whether or not life is supposed to make sense or not. Maybe it's not supposed to. Maybe we're supposed to do crazy things and just live life day by day, dollar by dollar. I own my home, it's filled with belongings and pets, and I have debt. How am I supposed to just leave it all behind? Life makes no sense.
Maggie left the house about a week after I told her that I didn't want her around anymore. That was about seven months ago. Seven months ago I thought I would be single for at least seven months before finding somebody else to spend some time with. About six months and 27 days ago I found a girl named Jessica. I've been with her ever since.
Jessica is everything I wanted in a girl and a few things I didn't. That's about everything a guy could hope for. So why is it that it's not clicking for me? She tells me that she loves me. She told me that she loves me about two months ago. I told her then and I tell her now that I'm just not comfortable saying that until I mean it and that is the truth.
So I guess that means that I don't mean it if I say it and if I were to say it and not mean it that it's not true. I can honestly say that I don't have a problem with not being in love. I feel like I'm just being honest and there is nothing wrong with that.
Oh, and then there is the fact that I can't stop thinking about somebody else.
It's practically the moment since she left that I've been waiting for.
She wants me back.
She still has to finish her degree. She's not moving back here, I'm not moving there. I still don't understand how any of this could work. She claims that the distance wouldn't matter if we really, truly cared for each other. We would date, just over a long distance. A very long distance.
I make next to no money and the job overall is just driving me nuts. The work itself is so far from stressful it's just brilliant, but the fact that I work on only commission is so entirely stressful it cancels out all of the perks and then some.
My current girlfriend is great, but for some reason things just don't seem to be clicking for me the way they should be. Like two puzzle pieces, from the same picture but two different boxes, and the pieces, despite looking the same, just don't quite fit. It's right there, everything seems right, there's just something not quite going into place. I think that's the best analogy I have for it.
I found something out about my ex-girlfriend that pretty much tears me apart inside despite the fact that I'm no longer with her. I'm glad she finally came out and was honest about it, but it just really sucks knowing what was happening when I thought we cared for each other more than that. It really sucks is the way I'm putting it because despite being able to express how I feel in a more elaborate and descriptive way, all I can say is simply that. It really sucks.
A different ex-girlfriend came into town from another state to visit her friends. She has a boyfriend now, turns out he lives here. She was in town for around a week and somehow her being closer to me physically seemed to put her farther away emotionally. She didn't really tell me anything terribly good until she was on her way out of town again. Funny how that works.
My house is still torn apart and leaking water into the basement, too.
So basically I feel like life is kind of shitting on me right now. I know things could be worse, but things could surely be better for a guy like me. For now I'll stick with someday and just try to make it through without letting it get to me too much. Just feels good to vent, even just a little bit and even if it's just being put on a blog that people don't actually read.
So yeah...
Maybe someday I'll figure out where I'm going, but right now, this is where I am.
I'm a used car salesman that hasn't sold any cars yet this month. What that means is that despite being at work for an average of ten hours per day, six days per week, I have not made a single dollar. It's a bit nerve-wracking not knowing whether or not you'll be able to feed yourself at the end of the month. So far I've managed to scrape by the last two months, but my goal when starting this job was not to scrape by but have more money than I knew what to do with.
CCC Information Services is hiring again. I've got to say, it's very tempting to apply. I've never been at another job where I've made over $500 in one day, but I've also never been at a job where I've made no money in an entire week. What I'm trying to say is that CCC I.S. is looking more and more appealing simply because of the security of the position.
The Muppets movie is coming soon. I wouldn't normally be excited about this but I know a certain someone who is absolutely enthralled by the Muppets, and I would love nothing more than to see the look on her face during that movie.
Somehow I doubt I'll get to see it.
I've heard a lot of honking today on 10th Street. That seems unusual. I'm going to lay down on the couch here at work and play Donkey Kong Country on my GameBoy Color and hope somebody drives through the lot in the next twenty minutes and forks over a large sum of cash to buy a vehicle without arguing about price, quality, or whatever the hell else people argue about when it comes to purchasing a vehicle.
If it's too soon for another entry, too bad. I felt like the last one went unfinished. This entry doesn't seem like a complete thought or story, either, just something on my mind...
A few of the things about her that I've been missing lately...
In the winter she enjoyed walks. Walk south for half a block, turn around before the neighborhood got bad. Walk north at least to the end of the block. Head east to the alley and back south because the alley ends before the neighborhood gets too bad. But this is the good part. She would cover her ears. Even if it wasn't terribly chilly. She just had sensitive ears, I guess. She visited her parents and took a walk while there and sent me a picture because I missed her then, too. She had some sort of small towel or something wrapped around her head like a thick ninja sash. It was adorable. I still have the picture.
Oh, the puppets. It's funny that my dog gets so excited about the raccoon hand puppet that I have, it reminds me of her every single time I put in on my hand and play with the pooch. Not only does the dog love it, but she would, too, since I make it talk and move. She always wanted me to put on a puppet show. I should have. I should have put on puppet shows every weekend until she made me stop. She would have laughed and she had such a glowing smile. The dog would have tried to eat them and she would laugh about that, too, I know it.
I gave my niece a sock puppet for Christmas. I did it because I know that if her and I ever got to that point in our lives our son or daughter would probably have been surrounded by sock puppets. I'm the only one that knows that the reason I love something that I think is kind of ugly and has no purpose is because of her. Sock puppets are wonderful, fun, and exist for a real reason, and it's for and because of her.
She would get so excited about so many different things in life. I always loved that. At the beginning I thought it was a bit strange, after all, I had never met somebody with so much curiosity and enthusiasm. Look! It's something colorful! Look! It's snowing! Look! It's something that everybody else I had ever met would look right past or see as trivial or even annoying! But not to her. She was filled with so much excitement and overall positivity. It was uplifting. There were no bad days, just bad moments to be overcome with something good.
She also asked a lot of questions and I enjoyed every one of them. Think of a question and she's probably asked it. Her eyes were so big and the way they looked into your whole being when she asked a question, and another, and another, and another, seemed to tell your soul that answering all of them was ok and not at all a bother. If anything else, it made her seem interested in me, and I was very interested in her.
One more thing for today...
Something that I've never really understood is how anybody thinks they look better when they put on their camera smile. You know, the smile that is forced on every time a camera points in their direction? It's not a real smile. The joy and emotion behind the smile isn't the same as what a 'real' smile has. If a person puts on their camera smile for a photograph, it's like their unknowingly saying, "I realize that somebody is taking my picture and I want to make people believe that I am happy and having fun in this picture."
She never faked smiles. She was never in a photo with her camera smile. If she smiled it was real. If she laughed it was real. She didn't think she looked better or like she was having more fun or whatever other reason there might be if she faked a smile. Her smile was beautiful and she wasn't afraid of that. She also taught me the art of exaggerating a smile, which is so much fun, so happy, so apologetically great, and she was so good at it and had so much fun with it.
I've seen people in photographs. Stock photos. Real people. Real friends and family. Nobody could look as genuine as she did. Nobody could look so genuine so effortlessly.
If I had ever wondered before what it meant to be happy, all I have to do is think of her...
As usual it didn't take me long to find somebody to have around. She's a good girl, going to school and working a part-time job while doing so. She will graduate soon and start making decent money. Her life isn't really all put together in a neat little package just yet, but she knows what she wants and how to get there, something I've always wanted for myself.
Instead of going for that, I took a risk in life, another one of those things that I've never been terribly good at doing. I'm not really sure what made me decide to do it, either. It might be simply because I saw how my life changed after the last girl packed up and moved out of my house and my life, I thought maybe if I changed careers the same thing might happen. It hasn't. I enjoy this new career of mine, but the fact is that I work eleven hour days for less pay than what I was making before and didn't think that I was making enough before. I have the potential to make a lot, but it's potential, not promises.
To make things more interesting, my house has decided to basically start falling apart worse than it was. Same with my truck. Actually, now that I think about things, it seems like for every step forward in life there's two steps back. Funny how that works.
I've started studying math again. I figure that if there is any hope for me maybe it lies in schooling, but I want to be prepared for it this time. If I fail post-secondary education because of my lacking mathematical abilities then it seems to me that if I study and learn the skills that I previously did not have, maybe I have a better chance of doing some good on a second attempt. Actually, it would be a fourth attempt. Try, try again, right?
My little brother and his wife are more than likely moving to South Korea. I still can't believe that he joined the Army. I support my brother in whatever it is in life that he chooses to do because I love him, but seeing him dressed up in the Army uniform, seeing him drape it over his kid for photos, seeing it at all, makes me want to throw up. It's not that I hate the Army, I do think it's an essential part of America, it's that I hate what the Army seems to do to every single living person I personally know that has gone in and come back out. They're never the same, and it's always for the worse. Let's hope things are different this time.
I've been getting a lot of stomach aches lately. I'm fairly certain it's stress but who knows. I know that I'm sick of it.
I hate the fact that Facebook asks you to post what you're thinking. I don't care what people are doing on a day to day basis although if they want to call and tell me about their day I'm all for it. I only occasionally find what other people are thinking to be interesting. So, I don't post what I'm doing on Facebook because I figure that if people want to know what I'm up they will call or text me, and I don't post what I'm thinking on Facebook because it usually ends up offending somebody or just tells too much about the inner workings of me to a bunch of people that don't need to know what's going on in my head.
Maybe that's why now that some amount of time has passed I've suddenly become more and more interested in the idea of blogging more often again, because nobody except me comes here to read this and I like that fact. I don't write here for other people any more anyways, it's for me. It's because I don't remember what I do, what I think, what I feel. Going back through and reading this makes me remember my life just a little better. It's too bad it always seems to be for the worse instead of the better. Maybe I should start telling good stories and good thoughts here so it doesn't seem like I'm constantly depressed and have a shit life, because truth be told, I am blessed, even if there's a lot of stress and uncertainty in life.
That could be the case for everybody, though. What do I know?
I wrote something on paper the other day that I meant to put here. May as well do that...
"My ultimate goal is to eventually accomplish something that will make me feel like a different person. I recently took a vacation to a wonderful and beautiful island for an entire week and in that time I worked on myself both physically and mentally and continued to feel those changes for the next few months. Unfortunately a person like me doesn't currently understand how to live in paradise while having no money and being unemployed. In fact, I'm fairly certain that unless you've got somebody else paying the bills it's simply not possible unless you're content with being homeless and broke, which is then no longer considered to be a vacation. Life changing, sure, but not exactly what I'm looking for."
I did want a life change. I bought my house. I went on vacation. I found a different significant other after leaving a stressful relationship. I quit my job and found new work. All of this sounds like the kind of change I was looking for.
My house is stressing me out. My bathroom flooded and now I basically have to remodel the whole thing, costing me money I don't have. Vacations don't last forever, neither do the effects. My current relationship is good, but... we'll go more into that in a moment. My new job is a commission only position. I work eleven or more hours per day, at least six days a week, and make so little money that when you work out the numbers I suddenly realize that I could make more per month at Wal-Mart. I could make more there working forty hours per week versus the 65 or so I put in here. We'll see what happens.
Coming back to the relationship talk, I'm not sure what's going on in my head. I never seem to, but this time it may be even more confusing than I'm used to. See, the girl I'm dating now is wonderful. We listen to the same music, we eat the same foods, we watch the same movies, we talk about the same things, we don't grow bored of each other but can be apart for days at a time without worrying about each other. It's like we're built for each other in the personality department. She's even fairly attractive and has her life on track. Sounds to me like there's nothing more a guy could ask for.
So why can't I stop thinking about the one I left years ago?
It seems like she hasn't left my mind since I left. That was at least two years back. I had a friend that left a boyfriend of hers years ago and still thinks of him and I never understood that, but now it seems like I'm in the same position. I dated my last girlfriend for about a year and half and -she- barely ever seemed to leave my thoughts. I was single for only a few days but during that time it was nothing but her. Now I'm with somebody again and I can't go more than a few hours without the thought of her running through my conscience for some reason or another. Sometimes I wonder what she's doing, how she's doing, what she might be wearing or how she's doing in her studies. I see things that I know would make her laugh and want so badly for her to be around for the things I know we would enjoy together. I worried - a lot, I might add - when tornadoes went through her area. I know that she's seeing somebody else right now and I worry that he's just using her and am afraid that he'll end up doing something that will hurt her. I worry that after all this time, not telling her all the things that I think about her will be a huge mistake. I also worry that if I did tell her she might come back to me, things might not work out, and then I would have made an even bigger mistake.
I worry that posting this might be a mistake.
I wonder if she'll ever read how I feel about her and realize what a mistake she made, what a mistake I'm making, and just come back. She has asked me to leave everything I know to go to her. I can't do that. I'm not that type of person.
I know that if she left everything and came back to me, I couldn't say no.
I wonder if she'll read that someday and know that it's the truth.
It's still strange. Almost unreal, as though she were on vacation. When she told me that she had packed up her belongings and moved out I hadn't really thought much of it. I used to come home to all my girls; the cat first, followed closely by the dog, then go greet the lady. The dog is still here, but even she seems less excited than usual, as though even if she can't truly comprehend what has happened she knows that life hasn't been the same the past few days.
It's funny to me to think of all the ways she would probably be upset if she knew exactly how well I've been doing without her. She thought my life would fall apart, my house become a mess, clothes go unwashed, and I would lose all of things I would ask her to keep track of. On the contrary, I've cleaned my house, done my laundry and dishes, even put some work into making the house slightly more a home. I think it would upset her if she knew that I was right when I said that I feel like I could operate better without her around. My friends tell me they are seeing a side of me that they haven't seen in well over a year. I feel less stress, less like I'm walking on eggshells. I feel more awake, more inspired, more hopeful. I feel like something is missing. I think it's just what happens to people in this position.
I've become so used to her constant presence, her voice, her body, the eggshells, the good, bad, and everything else that without any of that at all things are just so different it's hard to feel like life is normal. Normal is what a person becomes used to, the constants in their lives. She was my constant and now she's gone. It's just so different.
I've probably said that with every post I've put on this blog for the last several years. I keep saying that I'm coming back here to keep writing or that I think I am or that I might but it never happens. I always have the best intentions without ever carrying through on those intentions.
I'm ok with that.
There are plenty of times that I wish I had come back. I forget things, that's why I started this in the first place. It's possible that I didn't know that when I started. So why ever stop? Because of prying eyes? Yeah, probably.
Which brings me to my point.
I'm sick of not saying what I'm thinking. I'm sick of not feeling what I'm feeling.
Everybody knows what the problem is. Even I know what the problem is. I'm just too much of a nice guy to do anything about it. This is my life and I feel like I'm not in control and I really don't care for it anymore.
How did this happen?
I made my fair share of mistakes, I won't lie about that. In fact, lying may be what got me here in the first place. I know why I lie. I lie to make everything better. I lie because it's easier to take than the truth. Not for me to take. Not for my friends and family. I never lie to them. There are some things I choose not to tell them but I never lie. I lie to her because I know that she is jealous, possessive, depressed, and more. I don't say these things to be mean or negative, but truthful. So yes, I've lied to her to try to protect her. I've lied to her, saying that I'm not talking to certain friends of mine or that I do think she makes my day to day life better, but these are lies.
Now I feel like I'm lying to myself.
I love her. Make no mistake about that. That is not one of the things that I have to lie about. But I am no longer in love with her. I was asked what would be missing in my life if she was not in it. I have no answer for that. I do love her, though.
What would she have without me? I feel like I know what she would think the answer would be. She would answer nothing. She would tell me that she would have nothing. I know this is not the truth. She has a family that loves her. They may be busy with their own lives but that doesn't mean that they don't love her. She has her children. They may be staying with their father now but I feel like she has the ability to make that situation a better one and simply will not, primarily because of me.
I was recently asked if I prefer quality over convenience. I prefer eggs over Twinkies was the basis of the question. I prefer quality, was the answer. The follow-up question was if the preference applied only to food. I immediately knew the answer. I guess I don't know why I don't apply the answer to my life. I guess I lie to myself.
I'm not happy and I feel trapped, as if I were to do what would make me happiest it would ruin another life. So what am I going to do about it?
I think that's a good thing, though. Nobody reads this anymore. It's a fresh start for this. I would like to say the same for pretty much my entire life at this point but it never is. Something happens that makes me feel like things are going to be different than they were before but somehow life always comes back around in the same fashion it was before. I think that's the kind of thing you blame on yourself.
A lot has happened over the past three years, too much to cover in one entry. So how about the short version?
I'm no longer with Jessi. I think that's about where this blog left off, me with her. Not anymore. I worked in Aberdeen for a little more than three months and met somebody who showed me that couples don't have to argue all the time. Jessi and I had gotten to that point, so I broke it off with her. Dated a girl named Angela. Then Alli. Then Sarah. Then Alli again.
Allison has been the one for the past two years. Sort of, anyways. We're currently not really together. Long story short, her and I went through a bunch of shit. In fact, we've gone through a bunch of shit throughout the course of our entire relationship and it's really unbelievable that we're still trying to work through things. Crazy to think that I thought she was the one I was going to marry a few months ago and now we're not really together. We're exclusive but not together, does that even make sense? She kissed another man. I left her, took everything, then slept with an ex. Funny how things turn out.
I don't work at Wal-Mart anymore. I'm at Rent-A-Center now as an assistant manager. I work fifty plus hours and make quite a bit more money because of it but somehow am just as broke. Funny how that works, too, huh?
I'm also a radio DJ on 94.5 KCFS right here in Sioux Falls. I play music and occasionally have guests on my show every Wednesday night from 9PM - 12AM. It's fun but I'm thinking about quitting. I really want to enjoy this summer and that's harder to do when I'm using up an entire night at the station.
In any case, life is basically the same, just different faces and places. Things never seem to change, even after three years I'm still the same Timothy.
Maybe someday I'll turn into somebody else, but until then you're stuck with me.
I suddenly realize just how many friends I really have.
Or not-really-friends-but-kind-of-friends anyways.
And I have a lot of them.
Since I've broken up with Jessi - which reminds me, I broke up with Jessi everybody, now you know - I've become mister fucking popularity. No joke! I got drunk last night with a bunch of people from work (and I invited a few people I just met, they came). A night or two before that I was hanging out with those people I just met. A night or two before that I was hanging out with a chick I used to work with... Here, check this out for a better example.
Today alone I've gotten calls, texts, or visits from these people: my roommate, my neighbors Nick and Kayla, Amber, Jenny, Angie, Travis, Scott and Casey from work (although technically, I visited them...), Alltell... >.> ...and that's a lot for me, especially since I didn't get out of bed until about two in the afternoon with a wicked hangover and had to work at four!
I feel so loved, lately. I've got a whole slew of friends. More than I practically know what to do with. And yet, I feel lonely when this time of night rolls around. I'm kind of sort of seeing this girl from a small town about an hour away right now, and just use a little thinking power and you'll see where the problem lies. First, let me correct myself: not a girl, a woman. She's around four years older than I. Second, we both work two jobs and live an hour apart. I've grown pretty attached to this chick and I know she feels the same about me, yet there's really nothing we can do about it right now (circumstances prevent immediate action).
Loved and lonely. Or lonely and loved.
It's a win-lose situation no matter where in life I am. Single, taken, it doesn't matter.
So I think I'm just going to go play my brand spanking new Xbox 360 and listen to some emo music while I try to forget about the stomach ache I've still got caused by an excess amount of alcohol in my system from the night before.
One final thing. I figured out this blog so far. Born March 17, 2004. That means it's headed towards three years old and I'm still here! On top of that, I've got 157 blog entries including this one. I could make a book! I keep telling myself that one night I'm going to try and get them all printed somehow and read them all. Doubt it will happen anytime soon, but it would be cool to see how my thoughts have changed, how my life has changed... hell, how my writing style has changed. I've always spoken my thoughts here, not like I'm writing for a class, so the way I use grammer... hell, the way I blog is a reflection of myself... of what's going on in my brain. It would be interesting to see how that's changed over the years.
